A Streak of Light

A streak of light indeed.

A good day. At school today, the children came dressed in their pajamas. The entire student body watched a film of the New york City Ballet's The Nutcracker. Santa was at school... all was just cheery and wonderful.

Brad and I have decided to see our counselor separately for right now. His first session with Faye was tonight and so when I got home I kept myself busy with the children and with cooking in order to not fuss over or worry about Brad. I find that when I'm idle or being lazy is when my mind gets all tangled up in the situation and I worry about Brad.

The devotional I read this morning said to make room for the Lord - to get all the junk out of the way so He can work in your life. It asked the question... what is the junk in your life that is standing in the way of the Lord's working in your life? And I immediately answered.. worry and fear. My prayer this morning was to put all worry and fear in the hands of the Lord in order to let Him work.

Brad was taking off to Memphis today with Eli to run some errands. David is in Memphis... this morning I had a few minutes of worry and fear, but when I led us both in prayer right before I left for work this morning, it was like the worry and fear was gone. I did not let it bother me all day long...

After he got home from his counseling session tonight we sat down to dinner (Smoky Tomato Bacon Pasta... YUM!!!) and he began to tell a story about Faye and how she was really rolling her sleeves up in that session. He started laughing and doing an impersonation of her.. we both just laughed... and I looked at him (and maybe I shouldn't have said it out loud..) and said, "There! There's the old Bradley!" I kind of giggled a little bit. I felt SO good to see that little sliver of light!!! I am SO energized over it! He looked up and saw me giggling and he just kinda smiled a little bit.

Then I had this thought - I remembered Faye (or was it Brad?) said that we would have to fall back in love with one another all over again! Who gets to "fall BACK in love" with the love of their lives? What a blessing this may turn out to be afterall!!!

Light - sure cuts the darkness out the picture. :)

Thursty

Someone told me today that being "thursty" is the constant need for attention.

Well.. guess what. My picture is there in the urban dictionary right beside it. I need some attention, dammit. Ok, so I just went and looked it up on urban dictionary.com and my picture is definitely NOT beside that word. Urban dictionary says that its definition is "of a homosexual nature." What???

MUST I be surrounded by an entire existence, awareness of homosexuals!?!?!?!??!

A friend told me the other day she dated a guy.. but now he's gay. And I thought... well let me see.. i've dated 4 or 5 guys.. "and now they're gay".. and even MARRIED the 6th one.

For God's sake.. where are the plain ol straight boys?? Where have all the cowboys gone? I just want a MAN.. thats all. Is that too much to ask?????? (Now THAT rings a bell from 1997...)

I'm getting lost in the funk. I'm getting lost in the downness. (thats not a word.) I'm getting lost in the car rides of infinite silence and the many nights of sitting up in bed for two to three hours alone on my computer talking to who ever will talk back. I'm SO TIRED.

Why can't we just snap the hell out of this, say, okay... we fucked up, and move on?? I want a husband. I want someone to love me, to be in love with me, who doesn't mind if I "push" him, to help with the kids, someone who desires me, who wants ME..ME ME EME EME MEEM!!! (thursty?) I want Brad to snap out of the whole.. I'm SO in love with !@@!*(#( (yeah, right.. i'm not putting a name there.) What is WRONG with him??? Its been THREE weeks and Christmas is coming.. for God's sake smile sometimes! Laugh sometimes... and if you can't with me.. please GO somewhere where you CAN be happy.

I'm all about us NOT separating.. blah, blah blah.. but I'm just about to the breaking point of Brad being in the dumps. I'm just about over it. Two and a half weeks ago I was like.. okay this is going to take a while for him to get over... but here we are two weeks later... and I MUST get some happy people around me.

What do I do? Take the kids and go hang out with friends while I leave Brad unattended in the house for him to only email !@$%^ telling him how much he misses him? Maybe thats what I need to do to take care of ME. I'm done worrying about taking care of him. Because I can't fix him.

I tell ya what.. maybe I AM losing hope. Maybe I'm not sold anymore on the idea that everything will be okay. We had dinner with an old friend last night... which was great, but her advice to us was that Brad had to "figure out" what he is "going to do." WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO???? I tell ya what he's going to do... he's going to man up... quit being so damn gay and take care of his woman and his family. I mean... why in HELL can't he just come to that conclusion on his own????????? TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS FOR GOODNESS SAKE AND LEAVE THAT PIECE OF SHIT MESS YOU MADE ALL BEHIND YOU.

Brad has always said stuff like... SUCK IT UP, Rachel and move on. So.. here's some good advice, Dr. Bradley Harrell, DNP, ACNP, ABCDEFG....

I know now that this is my opportunity to trust in the Lord. Kayla just told me that. She is absolutely right. I can't depend on Brad like I have for EVERYTHING that last 12 years of my life. He isn't there for me right now. The Lord is using all this hurt and pain to show me that very thing... i've probably made my own husband an idol over the Lord for many years.. and I've never really learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart... i know i haven't. I've used up "all my heart" on Bradley.. and that just has suddenly all come crashing down. I know God is jealous... He's been jealous all these years and has probably tried several times to get me to come to trust him fully... but I'm so dang stupid I didn't notice. Well I've surely noticed this time...!

I'm going to pray to open my heart to fully trust him... trust him to get ME through this, and to get Brad through this.

No more Xanax... ever.

Last night after the post I had written.. I couldn't stop crying.

Maybe it was because seeing all that in print has made it more final and real than it has been. Hmmm. Good thought.

So I took a triple dose of Xanax between the hours of 10pm and 1am. At midnight I laid in bed beside Brad and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't even figure out why.

At 1am I was done.. I was exhausted, my brain was exhausted and I kept having this fear that as soon as I settled down, Baby Don would wake up and cry. And then i would have to throw his little 8 month old self out the front door. (I'm kidding.)

So I woke Brad up - never a good idea - and he said, "Just go take one of those bigger Xanaxes and it'll calm you down to sleep." I was hesitant, and for good reason.

I slept like I had never slept before. My dreams were a little crazy, but suddenly it was 7am and I was standing in a drunken stupor at the kitchen sink making a warm bottle and changing a diaper. I got Don and Eli set up with breakfast in front of the tv in the living room and back to bed I went. Fast forward two and a half hours later... I wake again to hear Don crying. I drag myself out of this Xanax fog to the living room and figure out he's been sitting there so long that he's ready for his morning nap. Fine. Go back to sleep. I will too.

I slink back into my warm bed next to my husband who is also snoozing the morning away and sleep for another two hours.

I never sleep until 11:00. But suddenly my four year old son, dressed in his Captain America costume from head to tow is standing at my bedside.. asking for me to scoot over.

I had to literally tear myself out of the bed. I would still be there NOW.., twelve hours later if no one had been at home to bother me.

All that to say... that the drunken stupor I've been in all day has caused me to feel like I have a stomach virus. I've vomited twice - both times NOT at home, both time having to dart from the vehicle or puke in a Sonic cup - gross.

And here it is, at 11pm and I STILL feel gross.

No more Xanax ever again..

I'm beginning to think that the Lord was/is trying to tell me that I absolutely do not need Xanax or any other kind of drug to feel better. I need Jesus. Jesus is all I need. I'm looking at a devotional right now where in 2 Corinthians 4 it says "we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us - trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us - He lives!!!!! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!"

While I'm going through the worst - I'm getting in on the best. Hmmmm.

I'm getting in on the best??? My first thought.. the best of what? The best of crying? The best of my husband cheating on me? The best of him thinking he may need to leave the family?

But no... the best of the LORD. If nothing else, I am beginning to see that
#1. I MUST have Jesus. I can't live or breathe without him. It must be him.. not anyone else.
#2. Through my weakness and horribleness and depression and crying - His power is being made evident to me. It's being made perfect.

Yes, life sucks. But I don't need Xanax. I don't need Paxil. Heck, i don't even need Bradley.

But I need Jesus. And then I'll atleast know I can make it through without vomiting in the truck behind Dr. Brooks Harris office in Ripley!

Did I give that to God?

When you've been married for almost ten years and had two babies, it finally hits you: life.

Someone told me when I was about to deliver my firstborn son that I was "really about to do some living." That night after choir practice at church when she told me that - it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought... "NOW? Just NOW I'm going to begin living?" What about the 28 years I had already been living?

Well she was right.

As a teenager all I wanted to be was a "grown up." Grown up enough to be on my own and make my own choices. (Dumb kid.)

As a young adult, all I wanted to do was to find "the one." (Dumb kid.)

As  young adult still, all I wanted to do immediately after college was marry the love of my life. I remember shortly after I became engaged my philosophy professor at Belmont University looked at me with sadness in her eyes - the only person who truthfully responded to me in my blind excitement to be a wife - and she said "WHY?" I had no idea how to respond to that. She said... "no, no, no... you need to experience LIFE first.. you need to live on your own first!!" That hurt my feelings! Who was she anyway? I loved my fiancé and we NEEDED to get married! (Dumb kid.)

As a young wife... ok, all those years were a blur. I was in graduate school for the first six or seven years I was married. Can't account for much of that.

But I do know that we had fun. Brad and I honestly had a lot of fun together back in the wild days of our young marriage. I guess because life had always been a bowl of peaches for me, I never knew anything COULD BE brewing or wrong, or heaven forbid, evil. (Dumb kid.)

I suddenly became pregnant early in 2010. I laid on the sofa and cried for 48 hours. (Can't handle change.)

I fell in love all over again with my baby boy Eli. (He's 4 years old now.)

Life was different - but a good different. I was suddenly immersed in nursing, rocking, dressing, bathing, playing with, caring for, and loving a little baby. Of course there were times I cried my eyes out, but it was wonderful.

Fast forward two whole years. I went back to work teaching elementary music full time. I fell in love all over again AGAIN - and this time, with my job. I do know that I'm in the minority of folks who get paid in a job that she truly loves. I get paid to play with kids all day long AND I get to make music on top of that... whats not to love?

By this time, this girl who just wants love and fun, had done some really stupid things. Haven't we all?

Then guess what? Surprise! Baby Boy #2 is on the way! I cried again, but this time happy tears knowing that I would again get to hold a newborn, rock him, feed him... you know, all the sappy stuff that comes along with babies.

I thought I had it all. .. you know.. i DID have it all. I still continue to have it all. But its different now.

As I grow and age, I'm learning that life just doesn't turn out how you think it will. No matter how "good" you are. No matter how many church services you attend, or listen to Christian music, or pray... life happens when you LEAST expect it.

That's where I am today. I'm where I least expected I would be.

And here's a reality I'm having to face right now. I'm weak. I can't do it alone. My husband is weak. I can't count on him for everything. I've told myself this over and over and over in the last 10 or so days. I've read devotionals everyday. I've prayed everyday for the Lord to take the burdens off of me - so why do I still feel so burdened?

Maybe I really don't want my burdens gone? I've lived with them for so long - and I've already said I don't handle change well at all.

Well, things have changed. I hate change. (Dumb kid.)

Someone recently told me this: the Lord will take care of you. You will be okay. Even if things don't turn out the way YOU want, the Lord may have a plan for you that doesn't include the things you want.

You know how that makes me feel? Terrible. Its makes me feel awful. Like I've wasted time... like I've wasted the majority of my entire adult life. Like things could have been so different if I had just had the sense to answer one or two specific questions in a different way.

But.. really... the past is just that: the past.

Time to stop looking backward and time to start looking forward. Afterall, I've got a family to care for. I've got two little boys who call me Mommy. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud that God chose ME to mother them and to raise them for His kingdom.

So where do these burdens go? How can I peel them off my heart without pain? I guess I can't. Its going to have to be like a band-aid on my husband's hairy legs. Give it all ya got in one swift move - its going to hurt yes, but when it gone, its gone.

Dear Lord,
My heart is hurting right now. I don't know where to turn. I don't know where to go. And I certainly don't know what to say. Everything that I've been dealt is pushing me and my husband to our breaking points but I know I can't break. I've got to press on. I've got to be strong for my two boys, even if I feel like I'm the only one who CAN be strong right now. Please give me a servant's heart oh Lord. Please allow me to serve my family and my husband the way you want me to. Please put it in my heart Lord to allow my husband room for healing for himself. Please put it in my heart to allow room for MYSELF to do some healing and to not be so worried about ANYTHING. Take my worries, take my pain, take the anxiety away from both of us. Allow us to feel the weight being lifted. Allow us to feel you working in our lives. Keep mine and Brad's eyes fixed on You, Lord. Fixed on You.... fixed on YOU. I know I have trouble doing that.. with all the responsibilities I have. But through the cooking, and laundry, and being summoned 900 times to change the tv channel, don't let my eyes stray from you. Allow me to keep your word in my heart and my heart in your word. Rain your presence down on ME. Rain your presence down on BRAD. Rain your presence down on my house and my family and my kids. Let love run rampant around here and just keep us focused on YOU. You are the ONLY one who can heal. You are the ONLY one who can fix. You are the ONLY one who can take our hands separately, guide us through this hurricane, and bring us out on the other side, rejoining our hands for good.
Amen.