No more Xanax... ever.

Last night after the post I had written.. I couldn't stop crying.

Maybe it was because seeing all that in print has made it more final and real than it has been. Hmmm. Good thought.

So I took a triple dose of Xanax between the hours of 10pm and 1am. At midnight I laid in bed beside Brad and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't even figure out why.

At 1am I was done.. I was exhausted, my brain was exhausted and I kept having this fear that as soon as I settled down, Baby Don would wake up and cry. And then i would have to throw his little 8 month old self out the front door. (I'm kidding.)

So I woke Brad up - never a good idea - and he said, "Just go take one of those bigger Xanaxes and it'll calm you down to sleep." I was hesitant, and for good reason.

I slept like I had never slept before. My dreams were a little crazy, but suddenly it was 7am and I was standing in a drunken stupor at the kitchen sink making a warm bottle and changing a diaper. I got Don and Eli set up with breakfast in front of the tv in the living room and back to bed I went. Fast forward two and a half hours later... I wake again to hear Don crying. I drag myself out of this Xanax fog to the living room and figure out he's been sitting there so long that he's ready for his morning nap. Fine. Go back to sleep. I will too.

I slink back into my warm bed next to my husband who is also snoozing the morning away and sleep for another two hours.

I never sleep until 11:00. But suddenly my four year old son, dressed in his Captain America costume from head to tow is standing at my bedside.. asking for me to scoot over.

I had to literally tear myself out of the bed. I would still be there NOW.., twelve hours later if no one had been at home to bother me.

All that to say... that the drunken stupor I've been in all day has caused me to feel like I have a stomach virus. I've vomited twice - both times NOT at home, both time having to dart from the vehicle or puke in a Sonic cup - gross.

And here it is, at 11pm and I STILL feel gross.

No more Xanax ever again..

I'm beginning to think that the Lord was/is trying to tell me that I absolutely do not need Xanax or any other kind of drug to feel better. I need Jesus. Jesus is all I need. I'm looking at a devotional right now where in 2 Corinthians 4 it says "we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us - trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us - He lives!!!!! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!"

While I'm going through the worst - I'm getting in on the best. Hmmmm.

I'm getting in on the best??? My first thought.. the best of what? The best of crying? The best of my husband cheating on me? The best of him thinking he may need to leave the family?

But no... the best of the LORD. If nothing else, I am beginning to see that
#1. I MUST have Jesus. I can't live or breathe without him. It must be him.. not anyone else.
#2. Through my weakness and horribleness and depression and crying - His power is being made evident to me. It's being made perfect.

Yes, life sucks. But I don't need Xanax. I don't need Paxil. Heck, i don't even need Bradley.

But I need Jesus. And then I'll atleast know I can make it through without vomiting in the truck behind Dr. Brooks Harris office in Ripley!