Thursty

Someone told me today that being "thursty" is the constant need for attention.

Well.. guess what. My picture is there in the urban dictionary right beside it. I need some attention, dammit. Ok, so I just went and looked it up on urban dictionary.com and my picture is definitely NOT beside that word. Urban dictionary says that its definition is "of a homosexual nature." What???

MUST I be surrounded by an entire existence, awareness of homosexuals!?!?!?!??!

A friend told me the other day she dated a guy.. but now he's gay. And I thought... well let me see.. i've dated 4 or 5 guys.. "and now they're gay".. and even MARRIED the 6th one.

For God's sake.. where are the plain ol straight boys?? Where have all the cowboys gone? I just want a MAN.. thats all. Is that too much to ask?????? (Now THAT rings a bell from 1997...)

I'm getting lost in the funk. I'm getting lost in the downness. (thats not a word.) I'm getting lost in the car rides of infinite silence and the many nights of sitting up in bed for two to three hours alone on my computer talking to who ever will talk back. I'm SO TIRED.

Why can't we just snap the hell out of this, say, okay... we fucked up, and move on?? I want a husband. I want someone to love me, to be in love with me, who doesn't mind if I "push" him, to help with the kids, someone who desires me, who wants ME..ME ME EME EME MEEM!!! (thursty?) I want Brad to snap out of the whole.. I'm SO in love with !@@!*(#( (yeah, right.. i'm not putting a name there.) What is WRONG with him??? Its been THREE weeks and Christmas is coming.. for God's sake smile sometimes! Laugh sometimes... and if you can't with me.. please GO somewhere where you CAN be happy.

I'm all about us NOT separating.. blah, blah blah.. but I'm just about to the breaking point of Brad being in the dumps. I'm just about over it. Two and a half weeks ago I was like.. okay this is going to take a while for him to get over... but here we are two weeks later... and I MUST get some happy people around me.

What do I do? Take the kids and go hang out with friends while I leave Brad unattended in the house for him to only email !@$%^ telling him how much he misses him? Maybe thats what I need to do to take care of ME. I'm done worrying about taking care of him. Because I can't fix him.

I tell ya what.. maybe I AM losing hope. Maybe I'm not sold anymore on the idea that everything will be okay. We had dinner with an old friend last night... which was great, but her advice to us was that Brad had to "figure out" what he is "going to do." WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO???? I tell ya what he's going to do... he's going to man up... quit being so damn gay and take care of his woman and his family. I mean... why in HELL can't he just come to that conclusion on his own????????? TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS FOR GOODNESS SAKE AND LEAVE THAT PIECE OF SHIT MESS YOU MADE ALL BEHIND YOU.

Brad has always said stuff like... SUCK IT UP, Rachel and move on. So.. here's some good advice, Dr. Bradley Harrell, DNP, ACNP, ABCDEFG....

I know now that this is my opportunity to trust in the Lord. Kayla just told me that. She is absolutely right. I can't depend on Brad like I have for EVERYTHING that last 12 years of my life. He isn't there for me right now. The Lord is using all this hurt and pain to show me that very thing... i've probably made my own husband an idol over the Lord for many years.. and I've never really learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart... i know i haven't. I've used up "all my heart" on Bradley.. and that just has suddenly all come crashing down. I know God is jealous... He's been jealous all these years and has probably tried several times to get me to come to trust him fully... but I'm so dang stupid I didn't notice. Well I've surely noticed this time...!

I'm going to pray to open my heart to fully trust him... trust him to get ME through this, and to get Brad through this.