When you've been married for almost ten years and had two babies, it finally hits you: life.
Someone told me when I was about to deliver my firstborn son that I was "really about to do some living." That night after choir practice at church when she told me that - it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought... "NOW? Just NOW I'm going to begin living?" What about the 28 years I had already been living?
Well she was right.
As a teenager all I wanted to be was a "grown up." Grown up enough to be on my own and make my own choices. (Dumb kid.)
As a young adult, all I wanted to do was to find "the one." (Dumb kid.)
As young adult still, all I wanted to do immediately after college was marry the love of my life. I remember shortly after I became engaged my philosophy professor at Belmont University looked at me with sadness in her eyes - the only person who truthfully responded to me in my blind excitement to be a wife - and she said "WHY?" I had no idea how to respond to that. She said... "no, no, no... you need to experience LIFE first.. you need to live on your own first!!" That hurt my feelings! Who was she anyway? I loved my fiancé and we NEEDED to get married! (Dumb kid.)
As a young wife... ok, all those years were a blur. I was in graduate school for the first six or seven years I was married. Can't account for much of that.
But I do know that we had fun. Brad and I honestly had a lot of fun together back in the wild days of our young marriage. I guess because life had always been a bowl of peaches for me, I never knew anything COULD BE brewing or wrong, or heaven forbid, evil. (Dumb kid.)
I suddenly became pregnant early in 2010. I laid on the sofa and cried for 48 hours. (Can't handle change.)
I fell in love all over again with my baby boy Eli. (He's 4 years old now.)
Life was different - but a good different. I was suddenly immersed in nursing, rocking, dressing, bathing, playing with, caring for, and loving a little baby. Of course there were times I cried my eyes out, but it was wonderful.
Fast forward two whole years. I went back to work teaching elementary music full time. I fell in love all over again AGAIN - and this time, with my job. I do know that I'm in the minority of folks who get paid in a job that she truly loves. I get paid to play with kids all day long AND I get to make music on top of that... whats not to love?
By this time, this girl who just wants love and fun, had done some really stupid things. Haven't we all?
Then guess what? Surprise! Baby Boy #2 is on the way! I cried again, but this time happy tears knowing that I would again get to hold a newborn, rock him, feed him... you know, all the sappy stuff that comes along with babies.
I thought I had it all. .. you know.. i DID have it all. I still continue to have it all. But its different now.
As I grow and age, I'm learning that life just doesn't turn out how you think it will. No matter how "good" you are. No matter how many church services you attend, or listen to Christian music, or pray... life happens when you LEAST expect it.
That's where I am today. I'm where I least expected I would be.
And here's a reality I'm having to face right now. I'm weak. I can't do it alone. My husband is weak. I can't count on him for everything. I've told myself this over and over and over in the last 10 or so days. I've read devotionals everyday. I've prayed everyday for the Lord to take the burdens off of me - so why do I still feel so burdened?
Maybe I really don't want my burdens gone? I've lived with them for so long - and I've already said I don't handle change well at all.
Well, things have changed. I hate change. (Dumb kid.)
Someone recently told me this: the Lord will take care of you. You will be okay. Even if things don't turn out the way YOU want, the Lord may have a plan for you that doesn't include the things you want.
You know how that makes me feel? Terrible. Its makes me feel awful. Like I've wasted time... like I've wasted the majority of my entire adult life. Like things could have been so different if I had just had the sense to answer one or two specific questions in a different way.
But.. really... the past is just that: the past.
Time to stop looking backward and time to start looking forward. Afterall, I've got a family to care for. I've got two little boys who call me Mommy. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud that God chose ME to mother them and to raise them for His kingdom.
So where do these burdens go? How can I peel them off my heart without pain? I guess I can't. Its going to have to be like a band-aid on my husband's hairy legs. Give it all ya got in one swift move - its going to hurt yes, but when it gone, its gone.
Dear Lord,
My heart is hurting right now. I don't know where to turn. I don't know where to go. And I certainly don't know what to say. Everything that I've been dealt is pushing me and my husband to our breaking points but I know I can't break. I've got to press on. I've got to be strong for my two boys, even if I feel like I'm the only one who CAN be strong right now. Please give me a servant's heart oh Lord. Please allow me to serve my family and my husband the way you want me to. Please put it in my heart Lord to allow my husband room for healing for himself. Please put it in my heart to allow room for MYSELF to do some healing and to not be so worried about ANYTHING. Take my worries, take my pain, take the anxiety away from both of us. Allow us to feel the weight being lifted. Allow us to feel you working in our lives. Keep mine and Brad's eyes fixed on You, Lord. Fixed on You.... fixed on YOU. I know I have trouble doing that.. with all the responsibilities I have. But through the cooking, and laundry, and being summoned 900 times to change the tv channel, don't let my eyes stray from you. Allow me to keep your word in my heart and my heart in your word. Rain your presence down on ME. Rain your presence down on BRAD. Rain your presence down on my house and my family and my kids. Let love run rampant around here and just keep us focused on YOU. You are the ONLY one who can heal. You are the ONLY one who can fix. You are the ONLY one who can take our hands separately, guide us through this hurricane, and bring us out on the other side, rejoining our hands for good.
Amen.
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